Date, Marry, Kill: The NY Rangers Edition

Today we're taking a bite out of the big apple and dreaming of the boys in the blue shirts, yes that's right, its DMK and NY Rangers its your turn!

I'd date Brandon Dubinsky:


Baby faced Dubie, tell me could you say no? Dubes is from Alaska, which is kind of like what the rest of America thinks Canada is like, so you know that means that he knows how to avoid hypothermia. Brandon's 21...yes that's right 21 but he looks like he's 15 which could be good because when you're having your quatre life crisis, unable to get over the fact that you aren't 17 anymore, you're 20, you could turn to your baby faced bf in a NY cab, and pretend like you're a couple of crazy kids going to get drunk on moonshine in cenral park OR it could be bad because the tween hockey fans will no doubt give you a migrane when they see Brandon "OMGZ he's lyke 2 cute" Dubinsky whilst on your date at serendipity, ugh shoot me now!

I'd marry Colton Orr:


I always thought he was a douche...I mean he is a douche, a HUGE douche, an agitator, an unmemorable hockey player with a memorable name but what makes homeboy so desirable is that he's a sexy beast...yes I'm shallow! AND he's even hotter WITH facial hair (take note Sidney) Well at least I know he can kick some ass, and what's more attractive than an alpha male right? who am I kidding we'd be divorced within a year but the sex would, no doubt, be off the hook...and we'd totally have nostalgia sex for the rest of our lives in shady holiday inns


I'd kill Sean Avery:

I'm like 100% sure I'd get a Nobel Peace Prize for offing this punk ass bitch!

Date, Marry, Kill: The Buffalo Sabres Edition

Buffalo; Canada's 11th province; the boring side of of the Niagara falls; and one of America's only hockey strongholds, today is your turn!

I'd Date Derek Roy:


He's a little pipsqueak in comparison to his contemporaries(height wise) but dude can hold his own...oh and he's FION!!!!!!!!!!!! Derek's got that typical hockey player look, like he was born to play hockey and born to break hearts. He'd be the kind of boyfriend that would always want to party; like Fridays and Saturdays are always spent at Philthy McNasty's, with him getting sloshed on Molson Canadian, singing Journey with his buddies, and trying to convince you to get it on in the Phithy washroom. Not the best hockey player but he's hot, and you're only dating him, so does anything else really matter. So why is Derek only deserving of your superficial affections? Well he isn't the greatest hockey player, he isn't the brightest crayon in the box, he'll probably cheat on you with every puck bunny that flashes a smile, and he's a worse dresser than Sidney Crosby. He just isn't a keeper.

I'd Marry Thomas Vanek:


He's a good hockey player, he's semi-good looking, he's rich, you'd be set for life with his earnings but what makes Vanek a true winner is his hometown: ~*Vienna*~. Ok this is where all your little girl fantasies can come true: the ~*Viennese*~ ball, the ~*Viennese*~ ballet, walking the streets of ~*Vienna*~ at twilight in July, sipping coffee on the patio of a ~*Viennese*~ cafe...fuck even a ~*Viennese*~ toilet sounds romantic! You'd be too distracted by the romance and beauty of ~*Vienna*~ that you'd totally forget that your husband kind of looks like a serial killer...oh well, who cares if he likes to throw the help into a wood-chipper every once in a while, you get to sip 100 yr old wine in your 17th century, lake front, mansion!

I'd Kill Ryan Miller:


I hate his hair cut! I hate the way he dresses! AND he's not as good as everyone thinks he is! Its time to swim with the fishies my friend!

Date, Marry, Kill: The Carolina Hurricanes Edition

Its been a while since D.M.K. so in honor of Carolina sucking royally lately (losing 2nd place to New Jersey, WTF???) let's do them 'canes, shall we?

I'd Date Mike Commodore:
I'm not going to lie, I do find Mike Commodore hugely attractive. He's got great bone structure, ginger hair, and if it weren't for that eye injury (or whatever the hell happened) homeboy would be hella hot!!! But alas what's done is done, and despite his lazy eye, I'd boink Commie in a New York minute! Pffft like you wouldn't. Commodore, I think would be a decent boyfriend; he'd probably do the typical boyfriend things like forget your birthday; go out to dinner with you and your single friends and be awkward about it; not take out the garbage unless told to do so; drink milk straight out of the carton; and when he wanted to get down and dirty you'd mostly likely reply with "not tonight, honey"...you know, usual boyfriend stuff. But the thing with Commie is, I'm like 100% sure that the relationship would start red hot, like sex on the hood of his F150 but then would cool off pretty quickly like having sex once a week and the whole time you're thinking about doing you're taxes. Sorry Mike, I just don't feel the way I used to, its over! (He'd be a great nostalgic lay, am I wrong?)


I'd Marry Rod Brind'Amour:


Oh yes you read correctly, I'd so totally marry Rod Brind'Amour! Never mind the fact that he's not getting any calls from GQ *cough* or the fact that I was 1 years old when he entered into the NHL(and had a mullet *gasp*) but let's talk about what is husband material:
a)A man who is responsible - Rod is the Captain of the 'caines, and lead his team to a win a Stanley Cup in 2006
b)A man who would be a good dad - Carolina has these weird personality profiles on their site for their various players (who wants to know Andrew Ladd's favourite colour anyway?) and as one of his favourite activities, Rod put spending time with his kids, tnawww so cute!
c)A man who has a good job - HELLO, professional athlete here!
d)A man who is respectful and honest - Clearly I don't know him personally but judging from his interviews Rod's a pretty good guy, plus all his teammates love him and if a Staal loves you then I love you!
e)A man who looks good in a suit - check above photo, and tell me he doesn't look sharp!

Plus there is just something about Rod that awakens the primordial instinct inside of me, every time I see him on tv, I want to jump through the screen, jump him, and just BREED! Yes animalistic, earth shattering sex with Rod Brind'Amour...you can toooootally picture it, can't you! (pervs!!!!!)


I'd Kill Cam Ward:


I know what you're thinking, "Oh Cam, he's just so gosh darn cute and he's Canadian and he's such a nice guy, why are you offing him?" Well I've got 5 words for you: His.Favourite.Band.Is.Nickleback. Any objections, now...yea I didn't think so!

Date, Marry, Kill The Prodigy Edition: Moses, David, and Jesus

We'll get a little biblical here, in honor of Mike Fisher's win last night and in honor of players who are currently changing the game of hockey, just like Moses, King David, and Jesus changed the world thousands of years ago!

Blasphemous?

Um why don't you quit being so uptight, and enjoy the allusion I'm making, ok? I'm getting all English lit on yo asses, appreciate it!

I would date King David/Alexander Ovechkin:



I love this man! He's hilarious, charismatic, engaging, oh and he's a pretty decent hockey player...so much that I'm going to shock everyone and say he's just as good as Sidney Crosby *gasp* there are reasons why he's not getting as much attention as Crosby but that's another post for another time. David is described in the bible as "ruddy, and fine in appearance with handsome features" and that pretty much sums up Alex, he's good looking in that rugged 'I broke my nose in 7 different places 9 different times' kind of way and he's fearless just like King David!

Alex is electric, you can't help but like him, people mistake his passion for arrogance; please people, haven't you've ever played a game were you get so into it you turn into an asshole? That's no reflection on who you are outside the game nor is it a reflection of Alex when he's off the ice! Alex would be the fun boyfriend, he'd always make you laugh, he likes to party, he knows how to dress, and he's rich, rich, rich. I could totally picture him talking dirty to me in Russian, I'd haven't the slightest clue as to what he's saying but it would totally work, I'm such a sucker for foreign men! The sex would be kinky, I just know it. BUT Alex is not someone I could grow old with, methinks Comrade Ovechkin is moody and would sulk and pout if he doesn't get his way, sorry Alex I want a man not a boy!

I'd Marry Jesus/Sidney Crosby:


When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary, telling her she would bear the son of God he said "He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his Kingdom there will be no end" So to paraphrase here, Sidney Crosby will be the greatest hockey player ever seen.

Why would I want to marry Sidney Crosby? Um besides the obvious (bajillions of dollars) husband no. 5 is a huge dork but a hot dork, who could bench press you, while watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sidney has such a pretty face, those eyes, those lips, ugh *melts*. He'd be protective of you but not in obsessive way, he'd keep his distance, but he'd totally cut you off when you're at the club with your friends totally drunk and telling you friend Sheila that she's a huge slut. He'd cuddle after sex...oh yea the sex! I hate this term but with Sidney it would totally be making love (OMG I can't believe I just said that!), he'd be right there with you, in sync, entranced; you, only you , he'd see, and feel!

Sidney would be such a good dad, which is pretty scary that I can say that when homeboy is 20 but there you have it. He'd be rolling on the living room floor with the boys, play the kissing monster with the girls, and when mommy has to go on a 'business trip' you know they'd be living off of take out and kool aid, so typical. You know he'd protect his family from the media spotlight, keeping them out of all that craziness. And growing old with the Messiah? I can so picture him saying "Nikki, where'd I put my glasses?" *squee* OH Sidney, 'til death do us part indeed!


I'd Kill Moses/Dion Phaneuf:



Moses kind of had anger issues: "As soon as he came near the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, Moses' anger burned hot, and he the tablets from his hands and broke them at the foot of the mountain. He took the calf they had made, burned it with fire, ground it to power, scattered it on the water and made the Israelites drink it" AND so does Dion Phaneuf! Dion's a huge badass...its kind of hot!

I always wondered why Dion's forever scowling and then I saw the alternative, and my god his smile FREAKS me out, its like a serial killer trying to play nice, trying to fit in, it just isn't natural! I suppose Phaneuf's attractive, his chin's kind of ginormous, and he looks about 20 years older than he actually is (exfoliate and moisturize, Dion, TRUST!) but he's hot in that 'badass smoking in the corner of the bar with a secret' kind of way. He's not very smooth with the media, but I think that's just part of his personality, no bullshit! which is what you give interviewers that ask the same question over and over, and have you seen his walk? Do not mess with Phaneuf, kids! So why am I sending Dion off to the firing squad? Well, someone's got to go, and if its between Moses, David, and Jesus, well its going to be Moses. Sorry Phaneuf, I'll see you on the other side *love*

Date, Marry, Kill The Staal Brothers Edition: Incest is best!

The Staal brothers, the greatest genetic experiment to hit the NHL!!!! Not only do these boys have marketable mad hockey skills but they also have mad marketable looks! Spreads in GQ and Vogue homme are just around the corner, TRUST! Now lets' get on with the Staaling, shall we?

I'd date Marc Staal:

"Hey Marc, do the carpets match the curtains?" ;)

There's just something about Marc that awakens the maternal instinct in me; it could be his ginger hair, or that he's the brother we know the least about, or it could be the fact that he's exposed to a naked Sean Avery on a regular basis (exposure to a miro-penis must be traumatizing). Whatever it is, whenever there's mention of Ginge Staal an uncontrolled "tnawwwwwwww, Marc" escapes from my mouth, I don't know why, just does. Marc would be the best boyfriend out of all the NHL Staals (Sorry Jared, you've been excluded, what are you like, 12?) because I think he's the nicest; he'd give you flowers after you got your teeth cleaned at the dentist, would leave you the bigger piece of the pie, introduce you to his mother after your second date, hold your hair after you've taken 12 tequila shots, vomiting everywhere, and he'd probably hang out with you more than with 'his boys'. BUT no matter how nice Ginge is, I can't do nice. After a while I'd get sick of him always putting the seat down when he's done in the bathroom, and asking me about my feelings sorry Marc, its just not going to work out!

I'd marry Jordan Staal:



I'm like 100% sure that Penguins INC. AKA Mario, is pulling in all kinds of favours for the local newspapers, radio stations, and puck bunnies, not to spill the beans, because Jordo, is a party boy!!!! Abso-freaking-lutely, 100 % true, homeboy parties like a rock star!!!! But Jordan isn't a mindless frat ass hat, by day he's the fun guy, who most girls would think "omg Jordan would make SUCH a good boyfriend, like omg!!!!" he may make in appropriate jokes at times but overall Jordo is harmless and a sweet guy...that is until its pub night and its $4 dollars a pitcher! Homeboy is completely unrecognizable when you walk in, dancing like an ape, telling dirty jokes, yelling "I lurve thesssss sssssssong!" every 2 minutes, possibly a young Brian McGrattan, maybe? So why do I want to marry this fool? Well besides the fact that we have soooo much in common and we'd like totally be bff in real life, well:
a)He's super talented, hall of fame bound for sure!
b)When Jordo's passed out on the couch Marc and I could relive the glory days upstairs *wink* *wink*
c)Paternity wouldn't come into question because ginges are prevelant in both our families, so it would totally be possible for Jordo and I to make a ginge baby, Marc wouldn't even pop into his mind, heh...AHEM
d)Sidney Crosby would be our neighbour (he can come borrow some sugar anytime ;))
e)With his height and bone structure, and my eclectic genetic make up, and pretty gene our sons would be strapping young lads, while our daughters would be victoria secret-esque beauties
f) BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY Jordan will be soooooo hot when he gets older! Think he's good looking now wait till he's 35, old man hot is the best kind of hot!
Yes I would soooo marry Jordan Staal, how fun would that marriage be?

I'd kill Eric Staal:



Something's starting to change in the eldest of the brotherhood. He' still a kick ass player BUT I'm sensing an arrogance that was not there before, its mild, but still there...who do you think you are Eric, Sidney Crosby? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Date, Marry, Kill The Ottawa Senators Edition : Round 3

Apparently I shouldn't have taken a break because my boys, has their asses handed to them on a platter by the Buffalo Sabres, but srsly boys, Alfie can't do it all, shape up! HOWEVER, Heater did score a goal *squee* AHEM moving on...

I'd date Jason Spezza:

Everyone thinks Jason is like teh hotness but I don't see it...honestly I don't. He is attractive(I guess) but he doesn't make me quiver. I'd totally date Jason just because he's the rich nice guy. He'd hold your purse at the club while you slut it up with your friends on the dance floor, he'd buy your tampons for you, and drive you to McDonalds when you get the cravings, give you a $1500 purse for your birthday, he'd want to cuddle after sex, but homeboy is too nice...Fish is nice too but Fish is also manly but Spezz...I think we should see other people!


I'd marry Wade Redden:

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined wanting to marry a guy named Wade but Red is sooooooo fucking hot, and not just hot but handsome! He's the type to ride up on his white horse, sweep you off to his secret castle in the mountains, where he'll feed you grapes, make sweet love to you, and together you'll live happily ever after...and when I say castle I mean a log cabin in the rockies but still...*sigh*


I'd kill Randy Robitaille:

who?

Date, Marry, Kill The Ottawa Senators Edition : Round 2

I'd date Brian McGrattan:

Yes, I would totally date Brian McGrattan!!! The enforcer, the resident tough guy; some might say McG is kind of a loose cannon but they don't know B-ri, like I do. His whole tough guy 'act'(for lack of a better term) comes from a comical place, he loves kicking ass because we love it and he feeds off of that, and seeing him merk bitches is SUCH a turn on! B-ri is totally the guy that gets too drunk at the pub, dances like an idiot, makes really bad jokes, maybe starts a fight or two, but he's more of a Blaster (a la Mad Max 3) than a Mike Meyers (a la Halloween). In other words there's a sense of childlikeness, like boys brawling in the school yard rather than psycho serial killer. You'd probably get mad at him for public drunkenness and acting like a colossal idiot in front of everybody, but his apology would be epic "baby, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! shhhh! I'm sorry!" then he'd envelope you, you'd stagger off to the taxi, and upon arrival of his nouveau barely lived in condo, you engage in passionate make up sex...ugh B-ri would be the hardest to break up with, while your moving your stuff out of his condo, he'd just sit there silent, staring at the wall :'(. Sorry Brian, you're just not husband material, I love you but we just can't be together*

I'd marry Mike Fisher:

AKA Hottie Townie! OMG FISH! If there ever was a perfect man, Fish would be it! He'd be a devoted husband, loving father, and would never stray *squee*!!!!!!!! Hell even Don Cherry has a man crush on him! I don't know what to say that's already been said before but a re-cap wouldn't hurt! Big, strong, manly, all words I'd use to describe Fish, whether its putting the swing set together for the kids, or scoring goals on the ice, there's not other like Mike Fisher. Do we even need to get into how hot he is...yea I think so too! His eyes pierce your soul, his smile makes you melt, AND he's got the body of a lumberjack, you'd never get cold in the winter that's for sure. But what really makes me want to be Mrs. Nicole Fisher, is that he'd only EVER have eyes for you and there's no greater turn on than fidelity. Mike Fisher the hottest man ever to drive a mini-van!

I'd kill Chris Neil:

Your pirate smile isn't as charming as Heater's and for this sole reason, I'm going to have to off you...sorry :(




* I put waaaaaaaaaaay too much thought into this one

Date, Marry, Kill The Ottawa Senators Edition : Round 1

There's waaay to much hotness on this team for me only to pick two dudes I'd like to boink, so this calls for 2 or 5 rounds of Date, Marry, Kill The Ottawa Senators!

I'd date Antoine Vermette:

It's like the law here that a girl from English Canada must, at least once in her lifetime, have a passionate, unadulterated affair with some French Canadian hotness, and Antoine Vermette is my quota! We'd flat iron our hair together, exchange tips on which hair serums work best, eat oka cheese, cheer on the habs, and have hot sex. There's no denying that Vermy is hot as they come, I mean his smile alone should get him into any chick's panties but he's too much of a pretty boy for me, so after the hot sex cools off and we're sitting in bed with nothing to say to each other I'd have to leave his pansy ass. Sorry Antoine its not you its me!



I'd marry Dany Heatley:

NATURALLY! If you've been a dedicated reader of this blog (which includes my sister, and some middle aged man from Wisconsin) then you TOTALLY saw this one coming! Dany, Dany, Dany! I don't even get it, and yet here we are. There is just something about Heater that makes me want to jump his bones and have wild crazy jungle sex. It could be his charming half smirk pirate smile, his crazy eyes, his 'fro, his 'chill' attitude, or his crazy ass hockey skills, or the fact that he's the NHL's answer to Caleb Followill, whatever it is it has me dreaming of our cabin in the mountains and hot sticky summer nights till the end of time. Dany + Nicole = Luv 4eva!!!



I'd kill Joe Corvo:

Nothing personal Joe, its just I really hate your hair cut!

Date, Marry, Kill The Bitches in Blue edition

I'm starting off in my hometown! The delinquent little brother on riddlin who I love to hate and hate to love; oh Toronto Maple Leafs, quit putting dog shit in my bed or I'm telling mom!

I would date Nik Antropov:

Nik is good looking in that typical Euro pretty boy sort of way. He probably listens to DJ Tiesto, wears shoes without socks, and most likely has a subwoofer in the trunk of his car. We'd summer in Ibiza, sniffing coke and drinking martinis. Homeboy's European so you know our sex life will be off the hook! Plus he's arguably the best player on the team but he's definitely not husband material, something tells me homeboy is kind of a pansy, probably really clingy and would cry after a fight and me not likey!

I would marry Vesa Toskala:

Vesa 'baby face' Toskala, tell me could you resist? My favourite leaf, my second favourite goalie, and the cutest face in the Eastern conference. Picture him with babies, and at soccer practice, and date nights, and falling asleep on the couch with the television on *squuuuuuuuueeeeeeee* a husband you'd adore till the end of time, Oh Vesa be mine!

I would kill Brian McCabe:

Honestly, would you notice if he were gone?