Date, Marry, Kill The Staal Brothers Edition: Incest is best!

The Staal brothers, the greatest genetic experiment to hit the NHL!!!! Not only do these boys have marketable mad hockey skills but they also have mad marketable looks! Spreads in GQ and Vogue homme are just around the corner, TRUST! Now lets' get on with the Staaling, shall we?

I'd date Marc Staal:

"Hey Marc, do the carpets match the curtains?" ;)

There's just something about Marc that awakens the maternal instinct in me; it could be his ginger hair, or that he's the brother we know the least about, or it could be the fact that he's exposed to a naked Sean Avery on a regular basis (exposure to a miro-penis must be traumatizing). Whatever it is, whenever there's mention of Ginge Staal an uncontrolled "tnawwwwwwww, Marc" escapes from my mouth, I don't know why, just does. Marc would be the best boyfriend out of all the NHL Staals (Sorry Jared, you've been excluded, what are you like, 12?) because I think he's the nicest; he'd give you flowers after you got your teeth cleaned at the dentist, would leave you the bigger piece of the pie, introduce you to his mother after your second date, hold your hair after you've taken 12 tequila shots, vomiting everywhere, and he'd probably hang out with you more than with 'his boys'. BUT no matter how nice Ginge is, I can't do nice. After a while I'd get sick of him always putting the seat down when he's done in the bathroom, and asking me about my feelings sorry Marc, its just not going to work out!

I'd marry Jordan Staal:



I'm like 100% sure that Penguins INC. AKA Mario, is pulling in all kinds of favours for the local newspapers, radio stations, and puck bunnies, not to spill the beans, because Jordo, is a party boy!!!! Abso-freaking-lutely, 100 % true, homeboy parties like a rock star!!!! But Jordan isn't a mindless frat ass hat, by day he's the fun guy, who most girls would think "omg Jordan would make SUCH a good boyfriend, like omg!!!!" he may make in appropriate jokes at times but overall Jordo is harmless and a sweet guy...that is until its pub night and its $4 dollars a pitcher! Homeboy is completely unrecognizable when you walk in, dancing like an ape, telling dirty jokes, yelling "I lurve thesssss sssssssong!" every 2 minutes, possibly a young Brian McGrattan, maybe? So why do I want to marry this fool? Well besides the fact that we have soooo much in common and we'd like totally be bff in real life, well:
a)He's super talented, hall of fame bound for sure!
b)When Jordo's passed out on the couch Marc and I could relive the glory days upstairs *wink* *wink*
c)Paternity wouldn't come into question because ginges are prevelant in both our families, so it would totally be possible for Jordo and I to make a ginge baby, Marc wouldn't even pop into his mind, heh...AHEM
d)Sidney Crosby would be our neighbour (he can come borrow some sugar anytime ;))
e)With his height and bone structure, and my eclectic genetic make up, and pretty gene our sons would be strapping young lads, while our daughters would be victoria secret-esque beauties
f) BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY Jordan will be soooooo hot when he gets older! Think he's good looking now wait till he's 35, old man hot is the best kind of hot!
Yes I would soooo marry Jordan Staal, how fun would that marriage be?

I'd kill Eric Staal:



Something's starting to change in the eldest of the brotherhood. He' still a kick ass player BUT I'm sensing an arrogance that was not there before, its mild, but still there...who do you think you are Eric, Sidney Crosby? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

His Royal Highness King Douche Bag

My boys the sens beat mes amis the Canadiens, 3-1, both teams close to my heart so for me it was a win/win situation. For a while there it looked like mes amis were going to win this one but my boys brought it late in the 3rd period and captured the win. Even though the score was 3-1 it was acutally a pretty close game, very face paced, and very entertaining! Despite the fact that both teams hold a special place in my cold black heart, I was kind of leaning towards mes amis but like I said I'm happy either way.

Sooo...

Last night the bitches in blue played the New York Rangers, and I was sorta, kinda hoping that the bitches would kick some Ranger ass...there I said it!

YES I wanted the bitches to win! why?

Well first of all I don't hate the leafs, I love them like you'd love a delinquent little brother: they're annoying; you always fight; they steal your money and never return it; they're always breaking promises; they're failing; they make your dad drink more beer; they make your mother cry but at the end of the day you still love them and would still let them live in your basement when they're single, 35, and jobless.

I do love the leafs and on occasion will hope that they capture a win or two (depending on the team they're playing) and last night was one of those occasions, why? Two words: Sean. Avery.

Sean, Sean, Sean, Sean! The poster child for hockey douche baggerey and the king of misogynistic, idiotic, classless, frat boy mentality. Look up douche bag in the dictionary I guarantee Sean Avery is the definition. Not even the presence of a Staal brother could change the way I look at the Rangers; Avery taints every team he touches, and thus the rangers are blacklisted, until king douche gets traded or suffers a career ending injury.

Sorry Marc, I'm taking a moral stance on this one! PS quit hitting on Crosby, that bitch is mine!

Rangers? uh NO!

So as per usual Avery starts shit, during warm up. Tucker gets all loco and unleashed his crazy eyes on king douche! This of course gets carried on into the game, etc. etc. If you've ever watch Avery play you know how it goes down

Yea Tucker! Fuck him up!

Unfortunately the Rangers ended up winning in shoot outs, which really broke my heart because I really wanted Avery to get merkked one way or another AND for once I agreed with Don Cherry, why didn't they suit up Belak when they knew Avery was playing? I know you shouldn't play into that sort of strategy because I'm sure no one acquires a player like Avery because he's super talented (even though he is sort of good, ew I can't believe I just said that) but you know Belak would have murdered Avery, and that punk ass bitch would be off his game all night because of it.


Sorry my hatred for king douche runs deep, for obvious reasons, but the main one being I'm like 100% convinced the shit he says to players has got to be really bad because if you're playing someone like Avery you know he's there to talk trash; and knowing that you'd try to rise above it, play, and not let him get into your head, so I doubt someone's going to loose their shit over "hey Tucker, my mom plays better than you!", you know what I mean?

Rock 'em Sock 'em 87

Yeah Sidney!!! Kick His Ass!!!

Yesterday the bitches in blue lost to my boys, the pens 6-4. But I must admit they weren't horrible; they kept up with the pens for the most part. The one thing that the pens have that the bitches in blue don't have is synergy. They work well together, beautiful passes, someone's always there, ALWAYS, proven by the fact that the pens had about 30 more shots on net than the bitches in blue, which is sort of shameful, especially when its on home ice. However, the fact of the matter is, the penguins won, and Sidney AKA husband number 5, scored his first two goals of the season in my home town, clearly were meant to be...NOT! lol

I love how when Sidney was kicking Antropov's ass, these two teenaged girls directly behind them on the other side of the glass, started jumping up and down, squeeing and banging on the glass. I L.O.L.'ed. Sidney of course ignored them(or maybe he was just preoccupied with giving someone a beat down). Silly girls, don't they know the sex stare is much more effective, pfffftt amateurs!!!!! But I must say seeing him fight really put him over the top, this whole time I was convinced he was this pansy, but now Sidney is a man, SID THE KID IS A MAN!!!!!!!!!

You know who else is a man? My favourite Staal brother, Jordan!!! AND damn is he ever a good player! I'm convinced that if we ever met in real life we'd totally be like BFF and we'd totally drink Colby Armstrong under the table...yea I'm totally a loser and entertained such thoughts, WHATEVS!!!!!!!! I'm cool, you want me on your team, don't deny it!


PS don't worry this won't become a hockey blog. Hockey is my only form of entertainment whilst I'm locked up doing my readings and shit. But don't you worry accounts from the high drama that is my life will continue!