Coles Notes on The NHL

Its been a busy summer for North America's sports niche market, not one but TWO celebrity weddings, Gary Betteman's worst nightmare comes true, Kovalchuck gets shady and a story that will renew your faith in humanity!

CELEBRITY WEDDINGS.


Carrie Underwood and Hottie Townie AKA Mike Fisher tied the knot. Even though I personally believe its bad news bears to marry someone you've only known for a year but I saw this one coming they minute they started dating because a) they're country~ and b)they're bible thumpers, I mean come on, was there any other ending?


Hilary Duff married Mike Comire, which I'm pretty sure she'll regret in about 5 years. Not only because 22 is WAY too young to marry especially if you're rich, every Canadian female knows pro-hockey player = a girl in every city. Plus he was part of the 'party hard crew' up in Ottawa circa 2006/2007 along with Ray Emery, Brian McGrattan, and [to an extent] Jason Spezza, and look what happened to all of them. Add Hollywood to the fact that he's worth more than Hilary (his father is rich, not because he's a good hockey player) and we'll see how this plays out. I've always said she can do better...

GARY BETTMAN WETS HIS PANTS

...and the fans get worried. Donald Fehr, ex-MLBPA leader, who famously lead the strike in '94/'95, which cancelled the World Series, will take the top spot for the NHLPA, soon, VERY soon. Did I mention he's know as "the most hated man in baseball"...Coincidentally enough, 10 years after the MLB strike, the NHL lockout occurred. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???? Well what Fehr means for:

-the fans, a potential repeat of the lock out (sliver lining: I will totally travel to Switzerland to see Rick Nash play), Fehr plays hard ball (hehe) and he's not afraid to pull his players out of the season, and not afraid to tell Bettmen what's what.

-the NHL brass, the elimination of the salary cap, a Union leader who doesn't back down, and many more $100 million dollar contracts. Not to mention Fehr gets what he wants!

-the players, drug testing (finally), bigger salaries, AND a possible year long break...I hope not :S

Sports Columnist Richard Griffin says there are four things we can expect from Donald 'balls of steel' Fehr...ok I'll stop with the baseball puns:

• The salary cap will be a major issue.

• He will find the smartest, calmest, most reasonable players in the room and surround himself with their advice.(Sidney Crosby will be invited OBVIOUSLY!)

• Agents won’t hold their own press conferences and critique NHLPA direction and leadership during the process.

• There will be no agreement reached until the 11th hour — and the players will win.

NGL, I'm a little worried...

ILYA KOVALCHUK MUST KNOW SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SOMEONE

That's the only logical reason I can come up with, I mean how else would anyone secure a 17 year $102 million contract with the New Jersey Devils? Well it wasn't so secure and the league and hockey pundits alike weren't down with this contract, it was too much for too long for someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it. Kovalchuk is a great player, easily in the top 20 but uh $102 million? That's pushing it. So this was pretty much the scandal/story this summer, apparently its FINALLY settled but allegedly its 2 years and $2 million less, victory(???) I guess...

UNCLE BRIAN CONTINUES TO BE MY HERO

Brendan Burke, Brian Burke's son, came out publicly late last year and then a few months later he was killed in a car crash. I stated how much I admired Brendan for doing such a brave thing in a sport and culture that was very hetero-masculine, I also stated how much respect I had for Brian, who stood by his son and was ready to knock a bitch down if they didn't like it. Brian had promised his son he would march with him in this year's Pride Parade in Toronto (one of the biggest in the world...I'm not bragging or anything) and he kept his promise. Brian along with family and friends marched on July 8th in his leafs jersey, wavy, smiling, carrying Brendan's spirit with him, and for that Uncle Brian will have my never ending admiration and respect.

Coles Notes on the NHL

Its been AGES since a legitimate hockey post. There was once a time when I would post every single day, and almost always it was about hockey.

What happened?

Not too sure to be honest, I haven't watched a game in a really long time. I'm still a hockey fan its just I have school till late at nigh,t and when I'm not at school I'm at work till late at night, and when I'm not at work I want to hang out with my friends. Hockey just fell to the way side for some reason and rugby has taken over. However, to be fair it has never been to the level at which I used to post about Hockey.

This drought ends tonight because enough has happened in the NHL for me to reactivate the Hockey tag, that's right its a motherflippin hockey post!



Pappa Wilson and Uncle Brian went to the orphanage for the criminally deranged and brought me back some new little brothers

Toronto got rid of Jason Blake, Finnish Cuteness Vesa Toskala, Ian White, Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman, Jamal Meyers. In return they got Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Dion Phaneuf,Keith Aulie, and Fredrik Sjostrom.

...still not making the playoffs, though.

PS NGL, its so weird seeing Dion Phaneuf in the blue and white

The Columbus Blue Jackets Fire Ken Hitchcock

This is the world of sports-business, you rework a team pull them out of perennially losses, help the team achieve its first playoff berth, and when things start getting dark you axe them. Ohioians didn't even know what hockey was until Hitch totally revamped that team...I guess we should have known this season wasn't going to be a good one when Danny Gare disappeared off of the face of the earth, he knew what was up!

Ilya Kovalchuk is leaving Atlanta

its pretty much a done deal. Took him long enough, huh? I mean he's been there for a million years, it seems and no offense to Atlanta but Kovalchuck is better than that!

Coles Notes on the NHL

My Delinquinent Little Brother, the Toronto Maple Leafs are getting rearranged:

Fletch, T.O.'s non GM but acting like a GM is currently cleaning house...like for real! They bought out Tucker, placed Raycroft, and Wellwood on waivers (Wellwood was just picked up by the Canucks...why Vancouver? why?) and apparently, that useless defencemen, McCabe is next on the hit list. WOW all the players I thought the Leafs would NEVER get rid of are all on their way out in a matter of days. I might have to start actually liking the Leafs...like ligitmately and not out of obligation...hell hath frozen over indeed (Oh and Sundin's totally gone!)

Vincent Levcavalier signs his life away:

Vinny signs a life sentence with the Tampa Bay Lightning and will get $77 million over nine years. I just have this feeling that this is exactly the kind of deal Levcavalier should NOT have made...I guess you can never really tell how a team will fare, I mean look at Philly, last season they were last in the league and this season they made it all the way to the 2nd round of the playoffs. If he stays (which he is) then I hope he wins Tampa another cup.


Hossa's being a little bitch:

Apparently Marian Hossa does not want to stay in Pittsburgh because they aren't offering him enough money, which is all fine and well and everything BUT a) he said he was willing to take less money to stay with a good team...apparently not and b) according to TSN, The pens were offering Hossa a Jerome Iginla type deal...all I have to say is Jerome Iginla is a leader, an amazing player, a good guy, a guy with integrity; he scores, he checks, he drops the gloves; Jerome Iginla is one of the best players in the league; Marian Hossa is no Jerome Iginla! But do you know what the worst part is? Some stupid GM on some other team will pay Marain Hossa an exuberant amount of money, just so he can disappear in the playoffs, and move to another team when February rolls around...yea Hossa is tooooooootally worth more than Jerome Iginla, bitch please!

Gart Robert wishes to spread fear to another hockey franchise:

Gary Robers will not be back with the pens next year. After making it all the way to the Stanley Cup finals Roberts will not be back...he says its because, Ray Shero needs cap space to sign other players but I think it has something to do with his relationship with the pens coaching staff...but hey that's just me

Coles Notes On The NHL

John Ferguson Jr. has been axed, fired, dude's dunzo! Which of course we all saw coming for months. Rumours have been floating 'round the league of his termination since November...FUCKING NOVEMBER! In no other profession, hell no other hockey club would dare treat one of their own like that but this is Leafs Inc. where making money is priority #1, everything else, including Lord Stanley, is secondary...oh yea I went there! This is a club that's ruled from the board room, where old cronies' opinions trump the coach's strategy. Was JFJ a bad GM, maybe, did he deserve to be dragged through the shit everyday for nearly 4 months, absolutely not! Good luck to Leafs Inc. in getting a new GM, because we all know you're not getting any excellence awards from the Labour Board of Ontario anytime soon, if you catch my drift.


Sidney Crosby, the love of my life, husband no. 5, hockey's Lord and Savior, is out for 6-8 weeks, which means homeboy can't even dream about coming back until about March! And you know its killing him! Hockey is his life...no you don't understand, its his ~*life*~. There is nothing else for him, its hockey or hockey! He'll probably be creepy a good leader and go on the road with the team and give amazing half-time speeches, and cuddle with Colby Cheese. Maybe this will be a good time for him to explore other interests, in between physeio, like W.O.W., or knitting, or getting a new hair cut, or spending time with me, or men's fashion, you know something to broaden his horizons and take his mind off of the fact that HE AIN'T GOING TO PLAY ANYTIME SOON, PUTTING HIS TEAM'S CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS IN JEOPARDY!!!!!! but hey don't beat yourself up Crosby!


Last night it was The Capitals vs. The Penguins Ovechkin vs. Malkin, and Ovechkin was being a very bad boy, NO COOKIES FOR YOU! Anyways, the game was hella tight, yes it was a good game but what I meant was that when one team scored about a minute later the other team answered with their own goal, it was NUTZ! The game went into over time, which then went into shoot outs (Letang failed to score, boo, what's that all about?) and the Caps took the win. BUT my my, aren't my boys doing well without Jesus. He was in the stands to give moral support, however, my Pens have certainly risen to the occasion, non? They don't need the Messiah after all! (but they would certainly like to have him back and wish him a speedy recovery)


Mike Komisarek is a hot bitch!
He's American and he plays hockey, which means he didn't make the football team.

Coles Notes On The NHL

Count Chocula AKA Roberto Luongo will not participate in the All-Star game. His wife is in her final stages of pregnancy and he wants to be with her. Nice to see that the Count has his priorities straight, after all, its only the All-Star game, and he is Roberto Luongo, he can do as he damn well pleases!


Dany Heatley is out for 4-6 weeks with a separated shoulder, so its safe to say he's out of the All-Star game as well. Don't worry guys I will take very good care of Heater while he's down for the count ;)



On Saturday The Leafs blew a 2-0 lead, against the San Jose Sharks, all goals scored by the sharks were done in the THIRD period. I don't want to jump on the same wagon as the Toronto sports media because frankly, they piss even me off, but there's going to be some rearranging withing Leafs Inc. Although they'll probably be stupid about it and fire Paul Maurice (which will break my heart because he's like my dad!) and I also think firing JFJ will prove ineffective, because who plays the games? huh? It ain't Maurice and it ain't Ferguson Jr. I love how, with the exception of McCabe, the players remain virtually blameless within the press(no Don Cherry does not count)...bitch please! Some trading and acquiring needs to be done!


Mark Recchi gets his revenge! Ever since Penguins Inc. shit on Mark Recchi, he's been a man possessed, scoring left, right, and centre, calling out his old team in the media, ooo them be fighting words, Mark. And finally VINDICATION. In shoot outs, husband no. 5 misses and then comes Mark Recchi for the win! Cutting the Penguins 8 game winning streak. Recchi to the Penguins: better luck next time...BITCHES!

Coles Notes On The NHL

Raffi Torres of the Edmonton Oilers is out for the rest of the season because of a torn ACL or some shit. I'm really going to miss his bleach blonde goatee...

PHOTO SHOPPED!!!! Husband no. 5 is on the cover of January's issue of Men's Fitness and um...Sidney's no male model let's put it that way! Ugh his hair, it kills me, clearly he hasn't been reading any of my fan mail! Jordan Staal really needs to give homeboy some pointers either that or Crosby needs to start watching America's next top model; Practice in the mirror Crosby, smile with your eyes, be aware of your body!


The All-Star starting line-ups have been announced:

East

Sidney Crosby - Crosby, starting in the All Star game, NO WAI!
Vincent Lecavalier - Vinny playing on a line that doesn't include St. Louis and Richards, NO WAI!
Daniel Alfredsson - Alfie playing on a line that doesn't include Spezza and Heatley, NO WAI!

Andrei Markov - Meh, whatevs
Zdeno Chara - Genetic freak...who can fuck a bitch up!

Martin Brodeur - Brodeur??? What about Lundqvist???? BOO!

West

Henrik Zetterberg - WERD!!!
Pavel Datsyuk - uh sure, whatever works!
Jarome Iginla - SCORE! Iggy is the best player in the NHL, skilled player, fearless leader, and a genuinely nice guy, I VOTED FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

Nicklas Lidstrom - yea I voted for you too...the 2nd time around
Dion Phaneuf - ~*fierce*~, don't disappoint me Dion, I voted for you...the 5th time around

Roberto Luongo - Count Chocula is ready to shut out the East...Dude get a haircut!


OY! Where's Ovechkin??? He better make the team, that kid's on fire, NO LIE!

Coles Notes On The NHL

So my boys the sens lost their last 3 games...

But on a lighter note my boys the pens won their last two games! Sidney, darling, I never lost faith but can you pick up some bread on your way home? Thanks, love ya!

So the leafs got merkked by the Pheonix Gretzkys...But I'm fully convinced if it weren't for Brian McCabe and Illya "its plus seven" Bryzgalov, then the leafs would have taken this one!

WTF is wrong with me? I'm sounding like a real leafs fan, that's it I'm locking the leafs in the basement and turning all the lights off, just try and tell mom you little brats, do it and I'll tell all the kids at school you still pee in bed!

END SCENE



PS McCabe really needs to stop playing for the other team, like srsly!