Hockey Players Can't Dress Part 1

Since the season's over and I'm forced to watch Blue Jay games BUT I finally have the time to do another series which was a long time coming. Its called Hockey Players Can't Dress. I regularly rip on the NHL's best and brightest for their apparel and foot wear and oh yes, no one is safe!

Today we're starting off with a picture that has puzzled me for nearly a year, it's taken me a year to fully grasp what the hell is going on in this picture. I mean y'all are millionaires, and you're telling me you can't afford a stylist or at the very least a personal shopper at Bloomingdale's...bitch please!




Rick DiPietro:
Is that a hanes undershirt UNDER a pinstripe 1000 dollar blazer??? Rick, what the hell were you thinking??? I'm all for mixing designer pieces with regular Old Navy clothes but sometimes it works and other times it doesn't...here it doesn't. You can't tell from this particular photo but Rick's 1000 dollar jacket is an ill-fitting one. If you're going to invest in a piece of clothing make sure its a) classic - so you can wear it for many seasons to come; b) its of good quality - if it rips a week after you buy it, you practically flushed your money down the toilet; and c) it fits well - Hey Rick you aren't 9 years old, you don't have to buy clothes that you'll grow into anymore! There's only one thing Rick's got going on with this outfit and its his jeans (you can see them in this photo) the wash and fit are spot on!

Verdict: I appreciate that Rick tried to pull of the Male-model off duty look (because Rick's red hot!) but please do not attempt this on your own! Read GQ, hire a stylist, let your girlfriend dress you! Whatever! Or else you'll end up with get ups that are a clear indication that outside of your hockey gear you cannot dress yourself!

Grade: C+

Don't you give my that look Ryan!

Ryan Miller:
I really don't like Ryan Miller. I don't know what it is. Its probably the smug look that's permanently on his face or the fact that he thinks his hair cut is cool. PUH-LEEZE. ANYWAYS!!! Looks like Ryan Miller tried to imitate what Rick was doing except, instead of a hanes undershirt he's wearing a henley under a 1000 dollar blazer. Really Ryan, really??? I can understand the t-shirt under the blazer but a henley? a henley? it kind of looks like your pajamas, dude! and the jacket, is too straight, too boxy, its doing nothing for your figure, honey. I feel like if it were a little shorter and brought in a little, it would emphasize your shoulders, and give the appearance that you work out 7 hours a day like our lord and savior, Sidney Crosby. And your jeans, Ugh your jeans, the wash should be a little darker and the fit, THAT FIT???? Oh Ryan, with a boot cut it wouldn't be completely hopeless.

Verdict: Like Rick's outfit, Ryan is trying; he knows where he wants to go, he just doesn't know how to get there. Again, girlfriends are a big help Ryan, I mean we've been forced fed fashion and style since age 11.

Grade: C


Derek Roy:
That. shirt. WTF is that? WTH is going on? WHY DEREK? WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? I mean your jeans are the wrong fit, and the wrong wash it just makes you look like Stumpy McStump but DUDE that shirt, THAT SHIRT!!!!! It looks like Brody Jenner's graphic tee collection threw up all over you. That shirt is hideous, HIDEOUS, I SAY!!!!! Clearly you do not have a woman in your life because no self-respecting woman would never let her boyfriend/friend/brother/father/cousin/uncle go out in a monstrosity like that.

Verdict: The apocalypse is coming

Grade: F


BONUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Video of the event they all attended

Date, Marry, Kill: The Buffalo Sabres Edition

Buffalo; Canada's 11th province; the boring side of of the Niagara falls; and one of America's only hockey strongholds, today is your turn!

I'd Date Derek Roy:


He's a little pipsqueak in comparison to his contemporaries(height wise) but dude can hold his own...oh and he's FION!!!!!!!!!!!! Derek's got that typical hockey player look, like he was born to play hockey and born to break hearts. He'd be the kind of boyfriend that would always want to party; like Fridays and Saturdays are always spent at Philthy McNasty's, with him getting sloshed on Molson Canadian, singing Journey with his buddies, and trying to convince you to get it on in the Phithy washroom. Not the best hockey player but he's hot, and you're only dating him, so does anything else really matter. So why is Derek only deserving of your superficial affections? Well he isn't the greatest hockey player, he isn't the brightest crayon in the box, he'll probably cheat on you with every puck bunny that flashes a smile, and he's a worse dresser than Sidney Crosby. He just isn't a keeper.

I'd Marry Thomas Vanek:


He's a good hockey player, he's semi-good looking, he's rich, you'd be set for life with his earnings but what makes Vanek a true winner is his hometown: ~*Vienna*~. Ok this is where all your little girl fantasies can come true: the ~*Viennese*~ ball, the ~*Viennese*~ ballet, walking the streets of ~*Vienna*~ at twilight in July, sipping coffee on the patio of a ~*Viennese*~ cafe...fuck even a ~*Viennese*~ toilet sounds romantic! You'd be too distracted by the romance and beauty of ~*Vienna*~ that you'd totally forget that your husband kind of looks like a serial killer...oh well, who cares if he likes to throw the help into a wood-chipper every once in a while, you get to sip 100 yr old wine in your 17th century, lake front, mansion!

I'd Kill Ryan Miller:


I hate his hair cut! I hate the way he dresses! AND he's not as good as everyone thinks he is! Its time to swim with the fishies my friend!