Kris Russell Needs Our Help

Poor Little Shake. Who could get lovin' when your roomate/bff is the hotness that is Jared Boll? Dude, I know what's up!

Sound Familiar: You're out in the clubs, you and Boll sippin' on your bud light (ick!), he sees a hot chick and is about to go in for the kill but wait a minute she's with 'an ugly friend' (*eye roll*), knowing that he has no chance with said hottie unless her friend has a dude macking on her too, he gives you a look and you know that's when you come in...that's when you always come in. You agree because you're mates and next time, he'll be your wingman, right?


So after a few beers you head back to your apartment for a little 'after party' and while Jared and said hottie are getting it on in the bedroom, you and 'the ugly' one are sitting awkwardly in the living room watching the late late show with Craig Ferguson.

Is that about right, darling? Did I miss anything?



But hey, don't be too hard on yourself, I'm here to give you that helping hand. The inside scoop on the female mind. You may want to write this down.

First off we need to look at your 'strengths'... Ok fine, I'll list them off

• You're cute, adorable, so precious
• You're funny
• You're a pro athlete
• You can cook
• You know the value of hard work and sacrifice
• You clean up nice
• You're Canadian
  
• You have a nice chin and lips to match
• You have a boyish charm
  

Alright now on to your...um...'non strengths'

• You speak through your teeth
• You're hair cut is fitting for a 14 year old
• You need a proper skin care regime
• Your wardrobe needs to mature, I'm not saying you should wear sweater vests, all I'm saying is that you're not in high school anymore
• You need to smile more
  
• You need to 'expand your mind' your interviews aren't exactly engaging
  

I don't know if you've noticed but most of your non strengths has to d do with grooming because you're already a gem, you just need to be polished.

Let's start with the head down shall we?

Hair

• I don't know if they have this in America but if not, I'm sure your mother will be happy to send you a few boxes. Tresemme Shampoo and Conditioner. Tresemme is the pinacle. After using this stuff I can never go back. My hair is so soft and so smooth, and shiny. If it works for my hair it will definately work for yours! Remember to comb your hair before you get into the shower, you'll have less tangles, and your comb won't be filled with hair afterwards. Oh and when you've towel dried, rub a dime sized amount of conditioner in your hair ;)
• Alright on to your haircut, you seem to like it long, but we can't have it too long because we've all seen the head shot from 2007...ANYWAYS here are two hairstyles that I think could work for you and your hair type:

or

You like? The ladies do love Chace Crawford, he's hot, homoquestionable but hot nonetheless.

Skin

• All I have to say is Nivea for men and moisturize after shaving or else you'll get those bumps. Oh and don't try and skip the four scared steps of skin care 1)Exfoliate/Scrub 2)Cleanse 3)Tone 4)Moisturize
  

Wardrobe

• I get it! You're young, you're laid back, you like the skater look, we can make this work without you looking 14. Shoes first!!!

How about these black, grey and yellow Adidas? I know you're used to your DC shoes or whatever but Adidas are classics they're perfect for almost every occasion. While your DC shoes say 'I'm a sk8tr bra' Adidas don't define you, you can be anything, an indie rockstar, a new york cool kid, an investment banker on a Saturday. Adidas my friend, please see the light. If above Adidas (which I strongly recommend, dude) are a little too 'foreign' for you then I suggest these ones, they're closer to your DCs but haven't lost they're 'cool every man' feel

Now on to jeans! I wish I could stick you in a Tom Ford Suit but alas, you're just not that type of dude, so we're going for classic and effortlessly cool. Levi's are the best jeans and I have picked these two pairs for you:

The second pair maybe a little too risque compared to what you're used to but trust me darling, I know what I'm talking about!

Ah, the t-shirt. Now I don't know who told you boys that graphic tees were ok because they're not! They're ugly, and they automatically signal to the outside world that the wearer is a douche bag, and you're not a douche bag, Kris, are you?
This black tee is from American Apparel. I think you should stick with black, greys, and navy because I don't think you're ready for white...Jared's not even ready for white. Ok now on to formal/professional wear!

I'm partial towards Burberry, there I said it! But really you don't have to be some pretty english fairy to wear Burberry, it looks good on everyone! So for outter wear I say a black peacoat:
Hey if the badasses that are the boondock saints can rock it, so can you!

Now in terms of pants, I think we should carry on with the trend of a more fitted trouser, don't you?
These pants? These pants! I am all over these pants! Undoing those pants, in those pants, those pants on my bedroom floor, and in my washing machine (if you're lucky)! These pants are perfect for you! Please buy them now! I'm serious!


This sweater but in charcoal grey, with a white button up, and no self-respecting woman could resist. Its just as much about the packaging as it is about the product, hard facts of life!


I don't want to go too crazy on the shoes, you aren't a style icon like Beckham but that doesn't mean you have to look like a schlep. These shoes, are dressy, yet casual and they're slip ons so I don't want to hear any complaints!

I think that's about it for grooming. Now, darling, when you speak, announciate, don't speak through your teeth, be confidant in what you have to say, even when you have a demi god as your wingman, confidence is everything! I hate the term cultured because we are all, in a sense, cultured, so my advice to you is read! Read the Newspaper, it not only gives you the news but it gives you resturant reviews, book reviews, advice about travel and cars, etc. It is your gateway to a world full of knowledge and enlightenement. I'm not asking you to be Sorates or Charles Dickens but the more you know, the more you'll have to talk about AND you'll seem waay smarter than your roomate over there, who's favourite book is Green Eggs and Ham...

This is my advice Little Shake, take it or leave it but I gurantee you, it will benefit you when the time comes when you're the Maverick and Boll's the Wingman.

xo